


CELESTIAL

by gracenotations



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2018)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Fluff, F/M, Fluff, Kaydel Is A BAMF, Leia Just Wants Some Grandkids, Post-Kylo Ren Era, Pre-Kylo Ren Era, Rey/Kaydel BROTP, Smut¿, but also a sweetheart, dub-con, headcanon based, is that too much to ask?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-03-22 17:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13769493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gracenotations/pseuds/gracenotations
Summary: Even though Kaydel Ko Connix doesn't want to, she remembers being in love with Ben Solo. Almost all of it—and where she doesn't, Kylo Ren does.Somehow she hopes to find the light in this stranger who looks like her old friend, Ben.She doubts she will. But somehow, she has a sliver of hope.That is enough. It has to be.





	1. I. STARLIGHT

**Author's Note:**

> dedicated to carrie fisher, who drowned in moonlight, strangled by her own brassiere. rest in peace, strong princess.

 

✩· ˚ .  
CH. ONE  
“STARLIGHT”

 

**══════════════**

**STANDING** obediently in her room, the prisoner of the First Order is afraid.

And — at least mentally — alone.

In a sense, the man in front of her is quite familiar. She had been forewarned of this predicament, and yet she still, in the end, had ultimately chosen it. And cold remorse flooded her senses as she stared the man clad in black who stood in front of her.

"Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connick. We've been expecting you for quite a while now." His face was a calm mask of control, and yet, beyond his pale exterior, she sensed fear. Of this room. Of what was outside of it. And... of her.

"Connix," she corrects. "My name is Kaydel—“ She is interrupted by the man in front of her raising his hand as if to strike her backhandedly across the face.

She flinches, but not before he has turned on his heel and sped away, the blast doors that separated the prisoner from her freedom slamming.

She breathed into the empty room, before speaking cautiously to herself, her hands folded in her lap.  
"Armitage Brendol Hux."  
His mind had betrayed him, and he had failed.

✧✧✧

On the third hour of her entrapment, the prisoner had made the decision to explore her suite. She would refuse to think of this as a punishment. Optimism was the only thing that she had not been stripped of at this point.

There was a bed, she had noted, in the first few minutes when she had arrived. They had the audacity to suggest she rest in such a place. In one of the corners stood a roughly sanded black armoire, and mirror took the place of wallpaper on the wall opposite the door.

Now, the door was something else. Upon a first glance, it wasn't worth even a once-over. Smooth silver exterior, several stiff, stainless steel buttons along the right side. Seven, to be precise.

However, the prisoner knew fully well how many secure rooms worked. She worked with these sorts of technical operations for a living. And she knew that this door was made precisely so that whomever had her trapped here was the only person to have access to the room she was in. It was a custom model that she didn't fully understand, but she imagined that it was only accessible via retina or print scan.

And she deducted that whoever was keeping her here, didn't want her leaving for a long time.

She found herself in the bathroom, staring into the mirror as if her reflection would reach out, pull her in, and drag her to safety. She leans forward, sighing before turning to face the refresher.

✧✧✧

Combing out her yellow hair meticulously and harshly, the prisoner hummed a tune to herself. She had since removed herself from the refresher and the room that housed it, but after setting the comb down, she slowly returned herself to it, taking inventory of the items around her as she went.

The prisoner stood in front of the blurry and fogged mirror, tracing into the steamy glass surface. A droplet slipped down her face.

She wasn't alone anymore.

✧✧✧

Before the door had even opened, she had known that there was a being waiting just behind it. She wasn't afraid anymore, just hesitant and ready to die for what she knew.

She didn't move from the place where she was, sitting on the bed across from the door, her back to it.

A man entered, his gait calculated and heavy. She assumed he was to be her executioner.

She kept her back facing him.  
"You seem to have made yourself at home."

She swallowed, as she listened to the deep mechanical voice, its’ monotone rather frightening. Well, she had made herself at home, hadn't she? "Yes, it appears I have."

"Face me and tell me your name."  
She knew it boiled down to this. The interrogation would most likely converge in the form of pleasantries and small talk. He would up the ante later on if she didn't comply. So, she spun and spoke.

"Lieutenant Kaydel Ko Connix."

The first thing she realized about her captor was that he looked vulnerable. His pale skin was almost transparent, and his jet black hair almost completely washed out his complexion. But his eyes were deep, albeit quite flat and almost bored.

Upon closer inspection, she realized that his signature was completely and utterly... mute. Being no expert in the Force, she wouldn’t pretend that she could read minds or lift rocks, but she could sense emotions. And his — well, his mind was entirely blank.

She thought that she had felt a twinge of surprise in him, but as soon as she picked up on it, it was washed away with that same grey noise once again. Kaydel had no doubt she would crack his stoic exterior soon enough with enough willpower and her own sharp tongue. She was not one to go down without a fight. So she determinedly locked her eyes on the folded accordion pattern that made up his sleeve, and pressed her lips together.

After a few more moments of studying each other, the man continued, his tone demanding and final, "Look me in the eye."

Kaydel's heart pounded angrily.  
She did want to look at him. She did not want to give him the satisfaction. She stared defiantly at her bare feet. "I said —" he deadpanned, and he stepped a bit closer, "Look at me." She tore her gaze off of his arm and to his mask, cold and flat and black. He cocked his head to the side upon her doing so, and she had to remind herself that this wasn’t a human. This was a vile and heartless creature.

"Cooperative. I like that in a woman."

Still holding her tongue, Kaydel resisted the urge to snap his neck and show him just how cooperative a woman could be. Instead, she opted for the high road. "The Resistance will not be intimidated by you."

He took a few steps towards her. Kaydel composed herself, resisting the urge to smack him. Why had they sent this provocative man? What methods did the First Order employ on their standard prisoners?

The dark man spoke again, jolting her out of her train of thought. "Funny, that's what the last one said right before he told me the coordinates of the droid." Each word was slow. The way he spoke, it was like ice, cold and hard. But even ice could be melted.

And Kaydel would burn the First Order to the ground even if it killed her. She shifted her weight to her left foot and crossed her arms as if she was addressing a child who had spoken out of place. (If that child happened to be a good two feet taller than her.) "You are not clever. Why am I here?"

Pausing, the man took a step forward, "You do not recognize me."

Resisting the urge to scoff, she crossed her arms, turning towards the window outlook facing the distant planet of Ahch-To. The ship was now in orbit, Kaydel realized as she thought of her response. "Sorry, I don't immediately recognize every criminally insane creature that operates within your tyrannical system. I only have so much brain capacity." The man was unaffected.

The prisoner stayed neutral, her face a mask of stony resilience. She let her arms fall to her sides and turned away.

She exhaled as the man took long, measured steps around her, before making his way past her to a small kitchenette. "There is plenty of food for you to sustain yourself with. The refresher is in the room to the left of the bed, and there are clothes in the closet."

She stood still, a muscle in her neck jumping at the lunacy of it all. Finally, after a pregnant pause of him staring at her, and Kaydel working to find the words she needed to express her disdain, she choked out, "Why?"

The man took a step closer, moving so that he could reach out to touch her if he wanted to.

"Because I made a promise a long time ago. And I intend to break it in the best possible way that I can."

With that, he definitively turned on his heel and exited the premises, the doors closing with a cold whoosh behind him.

Kaydel Ko sat on the bed, preading her hands againer her temple as she shook her head and held back tears.


	2. II. HOSTAGE

✩· ˚ .  
CH. TWO  
“HOSTAGE”

✧

**══════════════**

 

 **KAYDEL** had sensed it from the Resistance Base upon D’Qar, had felt the prominent cut of life that was ripped away from this world the moment the kyber in Ren’s saber had cooled and Han Solo’s heart beat no more.

She had been at her station, one hand on a control button, the other reaching for her half-full cup of caf. Although she was not particularly attuned to the Force, she had felt the change, and it hurt like hell. Kaydel had always maintained that little connection from Ben, the bond, Leia had called it. Even when Ben had died, she could feel him, living inside of the man who had killed him — as if Kylo Ren had stolen Ben Solo’s life and stored it inside of himself.

Kaydel was no stranger to pain and the bitter emotion one would often encounter when it felt as if a part of the soul was forcibly ripped away. After all, she had lost the majority of her family on Alderaan, had grown up without aunts or uncles or grandparents because of the actions of a tyrant, years ago.

Yes, Kaydel knew loss like a core memory stuck in the nook of her amygdala, never to budge. But now — this was a whole new litany of loss. This was more than when her father would be forced to leave for months and months. It was more than loneliness. This was as if her heart had been plucked out like an underripe apple, and her whole body ached from the surprising and unexpected jolt of pain.

When she had finally managed to dismiss herself from her station, she rushed to Leia’s chamber, ears ringing and blood rushing in her veins. If she had felt this, she dreaded to think what the General had felt.

Kaydel had opened the door right into the woman’s arms, a sob twisting itself up and into her throat as she pressed her face against the shoulder of Leia’s uniform, letting herself sink into the woman’s heavy grey robes.

“Gone — he’s gone,” Kaydel could make out as she held the older woman, listening as Leia stood still as a stone, catatonic and blank-faced as she spoke, ”Han is gone.”

Kaydel looked up at the older woman for a moment, heart in her mouth, eyes feeling as if they were going to burst at any second. She nodded tearily, hiccuping as her hands went to Leia’s neck to cradle her head gently, “We h — have to kill him. We have to find and kill the creature that is Kylo Ren.” Leia shushed her and pulled the girl flush against her chest, her hand wrapped around Kaydel’s blonde head as she shuffled them to a loveseat.

“We had faith in him,” Kaydel murmured a few minutes later, having had the last sob tear through her body only seconds earlier, “And look where that got us.” Leia does not know how to respond to this, will never know how to respond to Kaydel’s eternal question of how? How could — Ben — leave us? Just as Leia did not ever know how to answer Han’s own unanswerable question of why? Why would a boy try to kill his own uncle? What would drive him to that? Leia does not know or wish to know how exactly her son is suffering inside of the thing called Kylo Ren, but Kaydel does.

As she strokes the younger Alderaanians’ hair, she looks across the room to the soft sunset and cream folds of Padmé’s dress, pressed flat against the wall by the clearest of glass. She finally lets herself fall apart and cry, cry for her son who would now never see his wedding day, for the girl in her arms who would never feel his love again.

Leia cried for Han, cried for Ben, and cried for the love lost in all of their lives.

 _‘Goodbye my love_ ,’ Leia thought, clutching Kaydel closer. “I love you,” she whispers, looking up and knowing that Han would never again answer her

confession with his witty ‘ _I know_.’ Kaydel looked up, smiling sadly as she wiped tears from her own eyes, “He knows, Leia. He knew.”

✧✧✧

Before Leia had the chance to say goodbye, Kaydel was gone. The girl who had been her daughter, off into space. For what seemed like an eternity, she stood at the ship bay, watching the TIE-fighter holding Kaydel Ko Connix get smaller and smaller, until finally it launched into hyper-speed.

She knew that Poe was on that ship with her. Poe would keep her safe. Until she got on the next ship. Then he would leave, and she would be vulnerable once again, all the way to the Finalizer.

Leia shook her head. Forcing herself to swallow her doubt, she tore herself away from the window she had been staring out of, and made her way to the conference room. She had preparations to make.

✧✧✧

The next time Kaydel Ko Connix thought she saw Kylo Ren, she was sleeping. It was a dream, and she saw him, lying still in a snowy forest while tacky blood stained his face. She moved closer, tilting her head as she studied his face.

Surely, this soft-eyed man was not the same as the monster she had met earlier. But...

_He looked like Ben._

She shook her head, watched as the snowflakes drifted past her head, went cross-eyed to watch one right in front of her nose, before she turned her attention to the black heap of fabric and flesh before her. To be quite honest, the man looked half-dead, and she watched in something akin to awe as his right hand reached up.

He was trying to say something, and she took a step so she was standing almost directly over him. Perhaps these would be his last words, she thought grimly.

“Kay — del.”

Her expression jumped to one of surprise as she heard her own name murmured from his chapped lips. He was asking for her. This man...

_He sounded like Ben._

She knelt beside him, a hand on his chest as she stared at his fallen figure. “Hello,” she managed, and the word echoed around her as if her voice was a rubber ball that she had just thrown in a sealed room.

His head turned sharply to face her, and even though she wasn’t there with him — after all, she couldn’t feel the cold, couldn’t feel _anything_ — she felt connected to this dark, hulking, being of a man. “I,” she started, tears springing to her eyes, despite her confusion, “I’m here.” She watched placidly as he reached his hand up towards her, managing to cup her face in his weakened leather grip.

Smiling lazily, he closed his eyes and let his head drop to the frozen ground, his arm following. Kaydel leaned forward to kiss his bloodied cheek, her hands shaking as they brushed over his clothed chest, stroked over the fabric separating her flesh from his.

As soon as her lips brushed his face, she heard movement from behind her, and her dream swirled away like water mixed with blood down a drain. Kylo Ren was back.

And Kylo, wasn’t Ben.

✧✧✧

She had felt his hands tight around her wrists, and before she could even blink, Ren had forced her arms behind her back. Kaydel cried out briefly, thrashing against him violently before he twisted her arm in a way that made her grit her teeth. She forced herself to stop fighting against him. She realized just how steeply mismatched she was at this point.

He slowly clipped something cold around her left hand, and she heard the faint jingle of chains — _chains_ , she realized. "I am no slave!" she proclaimed hoarsely, tirelessly squirming under his grasp. She gasped as he flipped her over, her hands pinned down above her head by his own.

"Of course," he agreed, dark eyes boring into her narrowed ones, "But you will learn."

✧✧✧

The next time she really saw him, she had been given new clothes, and had been instructed to shower by a med-droid that had come to inspect her a little over an hour ago. She had done her hair up in her usual two buns this time, any semblance of home to remind her that there was maybe perhaps possible hope after all.

She had tried and tried to remove the golden circlet with the blinking white light around her wrist with the metal nail file in the refresher, but to no avail. She had spent numerous hours in vain attempts to file it down, before deciding to spend her energies upon more pressing matters — escape. This time, she had been saddled with instructions to meet him. And meet him she would.

✧✧✧ 

The next time he walked into her room, she had pressed herself flat next to the door, hushed her mind and waited for him to enter. He took three steps before Kaydel pounced upon him like an angry pitten.

She managed to get her arms around his neck before he threw her off and onto the bed. His helmet was on, and she had heard a muffled protest while she attempted her attack, but now she heard his voice in full stereo, ears ringing as he told her she wouldn’t win.

“Kaydel—“ he began,

“No!” she interrupted. “Take it off!” she growled, voice dangerously quiet. He complied and took his helmet off, watching silently as she curled into herself upon the dark-blanketed bed, watching as she let herself shake with quiet tears, watching as she crumbled. “You are dead,” she whispered, “Say it, give me peace.”

“I am not dead,” Kylo Ren scoffed, moving to stand closer to her, “I am in front of you, I am corporeal and would like to speak with you without you acting like a child.” Kaydel let out an unearthly screech, before she hurled herself up and threw herself into him, the force surprising him as he tumbled over. Kaydel dug her nails into his face, shocked when he only rolled, held her at arms length, and growled, “Would you stop this childishness? I kept you alive for a reason! Just as you made the decision to come here!”

“I came here to speak with Ben Solo, and you give me that a cruel mockery of him! Give me Ben back, please,” Kaydel finished, voice trailing off as she seemed to come to some invisible inner conclusion.

Kylo Ren looked down at her, before getting to a knee and offering her a hand. “I will give you one more chance to speak as equals before I will be forced to treat you like I would any other prisoner.”

Considering this, Kaydel propped herself up on her elbows, wiped her tears, and set her jaw. She reached for his black-gloved hand, lip quivering as she set her hand in his, “Fine. I will speak to Kylo Ren.”


	3. III. HE AND I

✩· ˚ .

CH. THREE

“HE AND I”

 ══════════════

          **KYLO** knelt before his enthroned master, hand on the ground as he is addressed by the scarred alien. “Your training is progressing well. Despite your momentary weakness with Solo, you’ve exceeded my expectations,” rumbled the foreboding voice of Supreme Leader Snoke. “But...” Kylo closes his eyes and looks up, eyes hard and focused. The tone Snoke takes with him causes him worry. “I sense you are...troubled.” One movement and Kylo lets himself be jerked to his feet, the toes of his boots barely touching the ground. “It seems you have omitted some very crucial information from me,” Snoke hissed coolly. “There was a girl.” “The scavenger?” Kylo choked out, “She is nothi —“ “No!” the Supreme Leader shouted, lifting Kylo off the ground, before letting him fall to it in a heap. “The little sun girl. Hair like spun gold. The one whose name and face you hide so disobediently from your master.” Kylo shook his head dismissively, closing his eyes and willing her raspberry lips and expressive chocolate eyes away as Snoke willed the memories forth. “Her name, Kylo...” Snoke pressed, raising his hand and increasing his power tenfold, sifting through Kylo’s mind like sand, before the dark man finally snapped, retracting his lightsaber in less than a second, standing hunched, heated, panting. “She is not important to you!” he insisted, sheathing his saber once his breathing had slowed, his mind churning angrily. Snoke shook his head, “You disappoint me.” Kylo crumbles into himself ashamedly as the red of his saber flickers and dies, but he still listens to his master raptly. “I already had a neat little session with your Resistance pilot. It seems he knew your friend... well. Quite well.” The useless pilot with the dark curls and darker intentions, Kylo thought. The boy Ben Solo had known, Dameron. Kylo shook his head. “She is not important. She is not attuned strongly enough to the force, does not possess the —“ “Kaydel Celchu will be a crucial component in our operation,” Snoke interrupted, resting his skinny white arms upon the sides of his throne. Kylo swallowed, urged his heart to get back in its proper place and out of his throat, willed himself to never think of Kaydel once more, to forget her forever. “She is not important. I will not allow her to be,” he pleaded, sliding to his knees before Snoke jerked his left hand upwards, sending Kylo’s body careening towards the back of the room. “The next time you lie to me, the repercussions will be devastating,” his master promised, beastly eyes cold and filled with malice. Kylo stood, bowed lowly, and left. And he storms from the chamber, storms down the hall, pushes troopers and officers alike out of the way. The only thing on his mind in that room had been her. And he hated himself for it. Kylo Ren realized something, as he drove his saber into the walls of the Finalizer, watching as red-hot sparks flew, hitting his helmet and his hands, but never once deterring him from his bloodlust. Realized something that made him want to tear himself apart. He wanted to hate her so much. But as he realized that she was the only thing that mattered to his heart, he sunk to the ground, saber buried in the floor as his mind focused on that image the Supreme Leader has seen — of Kaydel Ko Connix in her junior controller outfit, standing with a headset on as she hugged Poe Dameron, kissed his cheek and winked — that memory should have belonged to me, he thought angrily. The pilot had probably been more intimate with her than Kylo Ren could ever dream of being, said a voice in his head. He growled once more and shoved his fist into one of the doors, cracking it and sending two droids scattering in a flurry of terrified binary. She belonged to him. Not the Resistance or Poe, not the First Order, or Supreme Leader Snoke, not to the Knights of Ren. She was his. And he was hers, that same voice whispered in the back of his head.

✧✧✧

Sometimes, when Kaydel felt like her life was spinning out of control, she would look out a window and remember just how small she was in the grand scheme of things, and feel at peace with it. Sometimes when she was really stressed, or when she and Poe both couldn’t sleep, they would take the Star Sailor and cruise, eyes on the skies as they cut the engine and drifted. She could do neither of those things now, with the windows covered in black, with thick bars, and the only way she would board the Star Sailor ever again would be if she could find a way to bring Ben back with her.


End file.
